Today, Invisible Friends, we have a new story about Dallas Jean Lee, a big, blond, fast talking and unintentionally hilarious Southern woman.  When Dallas Jean Lee’s husband, Grayson, decides to run for mayor of their small town, she decides to help with her friend Adelaide.  Unfortunately, Dallas Jean Lee’s big hearts and bigger opinions soon causes more trouble than help…

A calloused knobby hand flopped the folders down in front of him on the mahogany desk.  “This is never going to work.”

“What do you mean?”  He leaned back in his chair, hoping his manager could see his hands shaking.

“Have you seen these profiles?”  One grey bushy eyebrow raised.  Norman Wellington was not a man to be trifled with.  Particularly when it came to his star candidate for mayor.  “Have you seen what’s in them?”

“It’s not so bad,” Grayson Lee protested, leaning back in his leather chair.  Grayson Lee was not only the best lawyer in the small but not too small town of Coriscana, but he was one of the nicest men in town.  And the most handsome, much to the dismay and envy of the women in town.  What made him decide to run for mayor, Norman Wellington would never understand.  Especially with her. The bane of Norman’s existence.  The whole reason this campaign could be over before it started.

“I mean, I know my wife is eccentric”— Grayson began.

“Steve Jobs is eccentric.  Your wife is bat**** crazy.  And her best friend is even worse!” Norman Wellington exploded.  “How can you run for mayor when you’ve got a wife who dresses like a cross between Elton John and Dolly Parton and never keeps her mouth shut?  Do you know what she did the other day?”

Grayson winced.  “Are you referring to the animal shelter?”

“Grayson, she released more than 200 dogs and cats, then ran around town in that ridiculous hot pink VW bug distributing all the animals to old folks’ homes!  Then, when the police tried to take the animals back to a shelter, she handcuffed herself to a door, kicked and screamed at the policemen and told them they were taking “their friends away!  She hit ol’ Todd Baker so hard on the head with her purse he’s still seeing stars.”

Grayson smiled.  “He deserved it.”

Norman stared at him.  “Grayson, last week she decided she wanted to be a pie lady, barged into Mrs. Duboix’s bakery and merrily started making pies and selling them to people.  Do you know how many people she made sick?”

“Cooking was never Dallas’ strong point,” Grayson murmured.

“And then two months ago, Dallas and that crazy Creole friend of hers, Adelaide, decided that the town needed more color.  So they went skipping about planting flowers everywhere and putting new trees on government property.  If the current mayor hadn’t been so pleased, imagine what would have happened.  And I know you think it’s just flowers, but what happens during your campaign?  What will she say?  What will she do?  The woman is totally unpredictable and uncontrollable!”

“I know she’s strange,” Grayson protested.  “But my wife is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest creature…”

“Really?” Norman smirked.  Standing up, he pulled open the heavy oak door of the office in Grayson’s three story Southern Mansion.  “Then why don’t you go tell her you’re running for mayor?  She’s out on the porch.”

Grayson gulped.  “You won’t tell her?”

Norman’s smile was wide and flat, like the leer of a shark.  “Nope.”

“But you’re my campaign manager!” Grayson whined.  “Aren’t you supposed to do my dirty work?”

“Franky, Grayson, this is a suicide mission,” Norman replied flatly.  Picking up his briefcase, he shook his grey head and headed for the door.  “Call me and let me know if I need to cancel that order for signs.”   Without another glance, he hurried out of the mansion.

Taking a deep breath, Grayson Lee stood and smoothed his suit, straightened his tie.  With his head high, he strode across the gleaming hardwood floors of the living room, winding around the extravagant kitchen to the veranda door.  Grayson had prosecuted murderers, theives, drug lords and serial killers.  None of them scared him as much as his wife.

Gathering the last thread of his courage, he stepped out onto the veranda.  His wife’s blond bouffant was poking over a chair, the only tall thing about her.  From the outside, his wife looked like  a delicate Southern bell.  Even after two children, her lush figure made men stare.  Her skin was smooth, with a sprinkling of laugh lines, and her big blue eyes lit up her classically featured face.

But Grayson knew there was nothing delicate about his wife.

For one thing, his wife was the daughter of a Texas oil man and rancher.  She could take down a steer in two seconds flat and slurp down a steak quicker than that.  Rather than lunching with the other ladies of town on salads, she preferred burgers and tacos dripping with grease.  Rather than choosing the demure pantsuits or dresses the other ladies in town wore, his wife wore only bright, tropical sundresses or rhinestone encrusted jeans with glittery Western shirts.  Sometimes she wore mini skirts and thigh high boots (a scandal in their small town;)  sometimes she wore long Egyptian tunics and pretended she was Nefertiti.

Her make up was as loud as her clothes, with thick rouge, thicker mascara and eyeshadows ranging from pink to blue.  Her signature hot pink lipstick made his 15-year-old daughter cringe, and his 12-year-old son hide in public.

There was nothing delicate or subtle about Dallas Jean Lee.

“Darling,” he exclaimed, settling in a chair next to her.  She raised her eyes from her novel, one eyebrow curling quizzically.  “What are you nervous about, Grayson?”

“Nervous?” Grayson cackled, pulling at his tie.  “Why would I be nervous?”

“Grayson, you’re tapdancing like a pony around a rattler.  What’s the trouble?”

Gulping, Grayson blurted out, “I’m running for mayor.”

He stared at his wife.  Her face was blank, save for her eyes glancing from side to side.

Then she burst into laughter.  Howling, she slid out of her wicker rocking chair and rolled around on the ground.  “Be serious,” she gasped, holding her sides.  “You?  Mayor?”

“I’m glad you think that’s so funny,” Grayson said in clipped tones, his jaw hard.

Dallas Jean Lee wrapped her arms around her husband’s legs, leaning her forehead against his knee.  “Aw, sugar, don’t be upset,” she murmured, patting his leg.  “I think it’s cute you want to be mayor.”

“Cute,” Grayson muttered, rolling his eyes.  “I’ll need your help on this darling, and the children.”

Dallas Jean’s mouth twitched.  “Sure, honey.”

“And this is important,” Grayson instructed her.  “You could be the mayor’s wife.”

The giggles bubbled in the back of her throat.  “Of course, dear.”

“And I’ll need you to be serious,” Grayson warned her.  “No more of your incidents.”

“Those weren’t incidents,” Dallas scowled.  “Those were narrow-minded misunderstandings.  If people in today’s world weren’t so boring, there wouldn’t be a problem.”

“No incidents,” Grayson pleaded.  “Please.”  He leaned down and kissed his wife of twenty years.  “So you don’t mind?” he asked.

“Not at all,” Dallas smiled mischieviously.  “Go on, call Norman.  I heard him huffing around here.”

Giving his wife another kiss, Grayson skipped to the phone.  Dallas waited until he was out of sight before pulling the rhinestone covered hot pink phone out of her neon green bra.

“Adelaide?  Guess what?” she asked the glittering phone.  “Grayson’s running for mayor.”  She waited a moment and smiled, her eyes flickering under her blue eyeshadow.  “You bet we’re going to help…”

Stay tuned, Invisible Friends!  Tomorrow we have a new creative woman of the Pond and next week, more whimsical fun!  Stay tuned!