A Duck In Her Pond » Saturday Series

Saturday Series 9

Blond Duck — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 09:00:21 +0000

Wiping her mouth, Sassi turned and glared over her shoulder at the dumbfounded reporter and mildly amused iguana. ”Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.” Kevin held up his hands, mimicking zipping his lips.

“I’m not pregnant.” Sassi’s hand automatically rubbed her stomach, dropping to her side self-consciously. ”I can’t be pregnant. You’re ridiculous. You’re stupid. You’re a reporter, for God’s sake.”

“Didn’t you hook up with that Mexican waiter after the fourth slice of cheesecake? The one with eyes like ‘liquid pools of chocolate’?” Kevin’s fingers made air quotation marks.

Sassi narrowed her eyes. ”Ok, you’re worse than a reporter. You’re officially a stalker.”

“It’s not my fault you went about shouting everything.” Kevin ducked behind the seatbelt. ”The whole lobby could hear you as you headed up to your room.” One red eyebrow raised. ”Cheesecake makes people do crazy things, you know.”

“This is ridiculous. I’m not pregnant, I’m not an Aztec goddess and I’m not staying here with you.” Sassi turned and marched toward the dark building, the iguana close on her heels. Jerking the door open, she paused and sighed as Kevin shrieked.

“What am I supposed to do? I don’t even know where we are!”

“You’re the reporter. Figure it out.” Scooping up the iguana, the door gave a satisfying slam behind her. Tossing her hair over her shoulder, she sauntered into the lobby. A owl-eyed woman behind a pair of thick black frames peered up at her, her mousy brown hair clumping around her shoulders.

“Sassi?”

“I need a pregnancy test,” she announced, shifting the iguana in her arms.

“For the lizard?” The woman peered at the iguana.

“No, for me.” Sassi rolled her eyes. ”And don’t tell anyone, ok?”

“About the lizard or pregnancy test?” The woman pushed her glasses up on her nose, peering closer. ”I’ve never seen an iguana that color…”

“Both!” Sassi shouted, making them both jump. Plastering a smile on her face, she gritted her teeth and murmured, “Please, Megan. Where’s Alexia at?”

“Seeing a patient. Room 3.” Megan reached towards the iguana, quickly pulling back her hand as he hissed. ”Should I tell her you’re coming?”

“I’ll surprise her.” Sassi turned on her heel, marching down the cold tile hall to a purple door marked with a golden three. Using her shoulder to open it, she slid inside and glared at the thin woman in the white coat. ”You’re so dead.”

“You’re lucky Felix can’t talk.” Alexia lowered the cat’s legs she was inspecting, her fingers stroking his thick coat. ”He would sue for patient confidentiality breach.”

“You’re dead.” Sassi shifted the iguana, glaring at her best friend. Former best friend.

“Last time I checked, I was very much alive.” Alexia’s lips twitched as she listened to the cat’s chest. ”What’s wrong?”

“You fed me cheesecake.” Sassi glared as the door opened, snatching a white box out of Megan’s trembling hand. ”Thanks.”

“It’s for pigs…” Megan clamped a hand over her mouth.

“It’ll work just fine. Thanks.” Sassi hurried out, Alexia trailing her with the cat. Megan traipsed after them, sighing softly and shoving her glasses up her nose.

“Sassi, what are you doing?”

“Just checking something.” Sassi ducked into the bathroom and locked the door.

“With a pig pregnancy test? What does that have to do with cheesecake?” Alexia’s voice floated under the door.

“I’ll tell you in a minute.” Sassi looked at the lizard, then the box. ”Can I have a little privacy?”

Where do you expect me to go? The iguana glanced around.

Sassi sighed. ”Just close your eyes.” Turning on the faucet, she opened the box and commenced the most embarrassing test of her life. Clutching the white plastic stick in her hand, she held her breath, watching the minutes tick by. As soon as the minute hand hit the 12, she sucked in her breath and flipped the plastic test over. ”Holy crap!” she yelled.

“Sassi?” Alexia called.

Sassi jerked the door open, nearly slapping the lizard in the chest. ”Alexia, you’ll never believe…” She trailed off, staring at a glowering Detective Starr. ”Oh crap.”

Stay tuned, Invisible Friends! A new week of whimsy!

Saturday Series 8

Blond Duck — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 09:00:51 +0000

For previous editions, go here.

“Where are you going?” Kevin shrank against the window, eying the iguana suspiciously.

“Somewhere I can kill you.”

“Are you serious?” he squealed.

“Not if you tell me what’s going on.” Sassi jerked the wheel, winding down the dark road. “I’m serious, Kevin. Enough of this mystery crap.”

“Ok, just keep him away from me.” Kevin shifted away from the ignaua’s flicking tail.

As if I’d want to sit next to him, the iguana sniffed.

Sassi didn’t bother to tell the lizard she agreed with him. “So who were those guys at the gym?”

Kevin shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“You just told me you’d explain things!” Sassi jerked the wheel again, flinging Kevin into the dashboard.

“I said I’d tell you what I know,” he corrected, peeling the seatbelt off his neck. ”I can’t do that if you kill us!”

Sassi didn’t say a word. The iguana stepped toward him, hissing and Kevin shrieked, plastering the seat belt over his eyes.

“You went to Mexico a couple weekends ago for your girlfriend,right? And you stayed at the Aztec Princess resort at Mexican City?”

Sassi narrowed her eyes. ”How did you know?”

“I was down there doing a story about some new Aztec ruins they found. You were there with your friends.”

“Right.” Sassi nodded. ”It was pretty cool. I bought a bracelet.”

“And you ate the cheesecake that night, at the hotel.” Kevin braced himself as the car swerved.

“If this is about the four slices of cheesecake”–

“It’s not about the–four slices? Wow?” Kevin shrieked as the iguana hopped towards him. ”Ok, ok. The point is you should have never eaten that cheesecake!”

Sassi jerked the car to the stop outside a dark building. Kevin winced as her blazing eyes seared through him. ”Why not?”

“Because the cheesecake was cursed.” Kevin pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper and shoved it at her. ”The chef there is crazy–really into all the Aztec stuff. She performed one of the old rituals and sacrificed a goat”–

Sassi pressed her fingers to her lips, her cheeks bulging. ”I thought that wasn’t raspberry. Oh my God. Oh my God.”

“That’s not the worst part,” Kevin replied, his lips pressed in a grim line.

“There’s more?” Sassi collapsed against the seat with a groan. ”What do you mean, there’s more?”

“See I’ve been…following you and your friends since that night. You were the only people the chef made the cheesecake for, the only people it could have been. And you ate it under a full moon, on the seventh night of the seventh month. Seven girls. Seven chances.”

“WHAT IS YOUR POINT?” Sassi screamed. The iguana jumped, glaring at her reproachfully.

“The point is that one girl was chosen, and that girl is you.” Kevin’s words made her shiver, trembling to the core. ”You’ve been giving the spirit and powers of the Aztec goddess Cihuacoatl. The goddess and protector of motherhood and childbirth.”

“Oh whatever.” Sassi rolled her eyes. ”Next you’ll tell me I’m pregnant.”

“Well…” Kevin hesitated. Sassi gripped his arm. ”Tell me I’m not pregnant! Tell me!”

His lips didn’t move, silence feeling the car. Sassi opened the door and stepped outside.

And promptly threw up.

Stay tuned, Invisible Friends! We have a new week of whimsy coming up!

Saturday Series: 7

Blond Duck — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 09:00:59 +0000

To read more, go here.

“Somehow I didn’t picture you for an iguana girl.” Detective Starr gasped, holding the edge of the doorway as his shoulders shook. ”Cocker spaniel or poodle, but not an iguana.”

“You think this is mine?” Sassi shrieked, jumping back as the ignauna’s tail twitched. ”I hate lizards! Yes, you.” She glared at the offended iguana. ”Could you leave, please?”

“It’s not my fault I’m here.” The iguana’s throat pulsed, a green scaly balloon growing underneath his chin with every annoyed breath. ”You’re the one who called me.”

“I didn’t call you!” Sassi grabbed a lamp, hoisting it her shoulder. ”What are you talking about?”

Detective Starr glanced at Sassi, then at the iguana. ”Are you talking to me or the lizard?”

“You called us. So we came.” The iguana was infuriatingly calm.

“What do you mean we came?” Sassi sucked in her breath, her knuckles growing white around the base of the lamp. ”There’s more of you?”

Detective Starr furrowed his brow. ”Are you seriously talking to the lizard?”

“Of course,” the iguana sniffed. ”You don’t think we’d leave our Queen in danger, do you?”

“Queen?’ Sassi spat. ”What Queen?”

“Now I know why you kicked that guy’s butt at the gym.” Detective Starr sighed, shaking his head. ”Angel dust? Crack? Heroin? What’s your style?”

“I’m not on drugs, you moron!” Sassi shook the lamp in his direction. ”Listen, my gym got attacked, I didn’t get to work out, I’ve sat in your office all day just to have someone shoot at me and leaving death threat charm bracelets then I come home to a lizard in my room. I’m not having a good day, ok?”

“Well, it’s about to get worse.” Detective Starr grabbed the lamp out of Sassi’s hand, setting it on the table. Twisting her around, cold metal slapped on her wrist with a deafening click. ”Sassi, you’re under arrest for being under the influence of narcotics. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you can say can and will be held against you”–

“You’re arresting me?” Sassi shrieked. ”You have no evidence! No proof!”

“We’ll take a drug test at the station. Do you waive the right to hear the rest of your rights?” Detective Starr clipped a a second band of steel around her other wrist.

“Yes, because I’m not being arrested.” Jerking out of his grasp, Sassi bolted across the living room. ”I’m not going to jail!”

“Sassi, come back!” The detective bolted after her, whipping out his gun. ”Sassi!”

“The Queen! The Queen is in trouble!”

As Sassi kicked open her own front door, a scream tore through her. She whipped her head around and gasped. The detective was crawling towards her, a blanket of iguanas swarming him. Her couches, her chairs and even her carpet was a quivering mass of green scales.

“Go, your majesty! We can take care of this!” The iguana hissed as Sassi paused. ”Go!”

“Only if you come with me,” she said, swallowing a grimace. ”The others stay here!”

“Sassi, help!” A hand shot through the pile of scales, fingers grasping for her.

“Let’s go!” Leaping onto her shoulder, the iguana climbed onto her head, like a living tiara. ”Hurry!”

“Sassi!” Through the bodies, she could see his face. ”Sassi, don’t do this.”

Sassi hesitated, biting her lip. An apology sprang to her lips, which apparently had a mind of their own. “Sorry, Starr. But you shouldn’t have tried to arrest me when I’m the victim in all this!”

“Sassi!”

“Go!” Green claws dug into her shoulder. Bolting down the steps and across the yard, Sassi twisted her hands behind her. With a groan, the metallic handcuffs scuttled across the concrete as she tumbled into the cop car, jerking it into drive. Kevin shrank back as the engine roared, staring at the iguana scrambling across the dashboard. ”What the hell is going on?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” Sassy slammed the gas, the car peeling out of the lot. As it roared down the street, she glared at the terrified reporter. ”Tell me everything.”

Stay tuned, Invisible Friends! A new week of Whimsy coming up!

Saturday Series: 6

Blond Duck — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 09:00:13 +0000

For previous editions, go here.

“Death?” Sassi squeaked, her hands flying up. ”I don’t do death, ok?”

“Death to who?” Detective Starr stared down at the ground, frowning. ”Death to you, death to someone else?”

“I tried to tell you.” Kevin couldn’t hide his smirk. ”I told you that you needed me. That this was worse than you thought.”

“Well, why don’t you stop gloating and tell us what it’s about?” Sassi snapped. ”I haven’t heard anything useful come out of your mouth yet.”

“She’s right.” Detective Starr held up a hand as Kevin sputtered. ”But not right now. Right now we’re all tired, and I’ve got this crime scene to attend to. You’re both coming with me.”

Sassi crossed her arms and scowled. ”I am not spending the night in jail.”

“No, but you’ll spend it in a hotel. We’ve got to protect you now.” Detective Starr glared at Kevin. ”Same for you. And don’t even think about putting this on your blog or one of your web podcasts or whatever it is you do.”

“But the people have a right to know!” Kevin howled.

“Not if it means you and Sassi getting killed.” Detective Starr pointed to the car. ”In. Now.”

“Do you always get what you want?” Sassi griped, climbing into the car.

“Of course.” Detective Starr smirked before slamming the car door shut after her. Glowering, Sassi refused to look at him or Kevin the entire way back to her condo. Her eyes heavy with sleep, she barely drudged up the energy to glare as Detective Starr followed her out of the car. ”What, you want to see my pjs?”

“I want to make sure there’s no one waiting inside for you.” Detective Starr rolled his eyes. ”The last thing I want to see is your pjs. In fact, if I had my way, I’d be at home with a beer and some burritos right now.”

“So classy,” Sassy drawled, rolling her eyes. Turning her key in the lock, she pulled the door open. Detective Starr gently pulled her back, stepping in front of her. With his hand at his side holster, he flipped on the light switch. A cozy living room blinked in the bright light, the sleepy quiet disturbed.

“See, just a couch.” Sassi rolled her eyes. ”Just a normal, every day couch.”

Detective Starr shook his head. ”Let’s just get what you need, ok?”

“What I need is for my life to go back to normal,” Sassi called over her shoulder as she walked down the hall to her bedroom. ”What I need is a hot bath and a”– her complaints ended with a scream as she jerked the doors open. Jumping back, she pointed a trembling hand at the open door as Detective Starr raced up. ”Look! In there!”

Whipping his gun out of his holster, Detective Starr whirled around, gun pointed at the ground. Staring through the scope, he burst out laughing at the bewildered culprit peering up at him. Sassy crossed her arms and glared as his laughter filled the house.

The ignanua was not amused, either.

Stay tuned, Invisible Friends! A new week of whimsy!